Domination and submission (also known as D&s , Ds or D/s ) is a set of behaviors, customs and rituals relating to the giving and accepting of dominance of one individual over another in an erotic or lifestyle context.

D/s is often referred to as the "mental" side of BDSM . Physical contact is not a necessity, and can even be conducted anonymously over telephone, email or (more recently) instant messaging services. In other cases it can be intensely physical, sometimes traversing into sadomasochism . In D/s, one takes pleasure or erotic enjoyment out of either dominating or being dominated. Those who take the superior position are called Dominants , Doms (male) or Dommes (female), while those who take the subordinate position are called subs or submissives (male or female). A switch is an individual who plays in either role. Two switches together may negotiate and exchange roles several times in a session. Submissives generally outnumber Dominants, with male subs outnumbering Dommes by the widest margin, often three to one or more. " Dominatrix " is a term usually reserved for a female professional dominant who dominates others for pay.

Femdom , or female dominance , refers to BDSM activities where the dominant partner is female. A female dominant is sometimes called a domme ( IPA :d ? m) femdomme or domina. In the English speaking world, "Mistress" is by far the most common dominatrix title, while in most of continental Europe, the most common title is "Maitresse" or " Domina ." The most common dominatrix title in the Spanish language is "Ama." The equivalent Japanese term is ??? (joosama, or queen.)

Femdom activities may draw on all areas of BDSM . Feminization and strap-on dildo play are common activities, as well as panty fetishism and boot worship .

Erotic humiliation can focus on the inadequacy of a male's penis, demoting it to a plaything for the dominatrix, over which the male has no real control. Related femdom activities include ballbusting , cock and ball torture (CBT), verbal humiliation, forced chastity , orgasm denial or orgasm control , and forced homosexuality (in which a dominant female forces a heterosexual male to engage in homosexual acts for her amusement, or as part of feminization )

Many participants in this lifestyle conform to the Safe, sane and consensual and RACK models prevalent in the BDSM Community.

Light female domination scenarios may involve ageplay , erotic spanking , cunnilingus and body worship , especially foot worship and ass worship .

More intense and heavier female domination scenarios may involve facesitting or smothering , which tend to focus on the sub giving the dominant female oral pleasure, or the dominant female performing anal sex on the sub using a strap-on dildo (see pegging ). Other forms of more intense female domination can include face slapping, hair pulling, caning , heavy torture , dripping hot wax on the genitals and heavy whipping . For these purposes, note the issue of legal consent which may or may not represent a defense to criminal liability for any injuries caused.

In extreme scenarios, there is a focus on exchange of bodily fluids and total forfeit of rights from the slave (TPE) , and acts may involve spitting domination or watersports (also known as golden showers ).

A fairly common variation on this is a rape fantasy in which the female is the dominant partner, or wrestling/fighting in which the female is stronger than the male. These carry a similarity to forced feminization , where the sexual fantasy takes on an intellectual/emotional component, with men either trying to, or pretending to try to, take control, but failing.

Femdom art is also implemented, showing the female as the domme and the male as the sub. One such artist is Namio Harukawa . His paintings usually show plump Asian and European women performing facesitting , smothering , oral sex , whipping , human furniture , scat and piss play.

Overview

Dominance and submission, and the inner conflict and surrender connected to these are enduring themes in human culture and civilization . Human beings share with many other mammals the instinct to look up to certain individuals who become leaders through strength of will and personality, to lead or follow, and to submit or dominate. In human sexuality this has broadened to include mutual exploration of roles, emotions and activities which would be difficult or impossible to do without a willing partner taking an opposing role.

D/s is often described by what it is not. It deals with representations of brutality and cruelty, and the emotional responses to them, but adherents are quick to point out that D/s is not about acts of true brutality and cruelty. It is based on a deep ethos of mutual respect in which exploration of the emotions brought up by brutality and cruelty can take place in a safe, sane and consensual manner. D/s may be ritualised or freeform. It is usually a negotiated lifestyle, with people discussing their wishes, limits and needs in order to find commonality. A D/s relationship may be sexual or non-sexual, long or short term, and intimate or anonymous. Most adherents search for the essential intensity, trust and intimacy that are required to make any deep relationship possible.

D/s relationship styles

There can be any number of partners in a D/s relationship, with one dominant sometimes having several submissives, who may in turn dominate others, or a submissive sometimes may have multiple dominants. Relationships may be monogamous or polyamorous . Romantic love is not necessarily a feature in D/s, partners might be very much in love or have no romantic relationship at all.

Variation in D/s is virtually limitless and the activities take many forms. These may include:

• cuckoldry
• domestic servitude or consensual slavery
• enforced chastity of the submissive
• erotic humiliation
• payments by the submissive to the dominant, in which case the dominant may be known as a cash master or cash mistress
• sexual slavery
• verbal abuse

These may be combined with other forms of BDSM. A classic example of D/s is the Sissymaid, where an adult male dresses in cartoonish female clothing and performs stereotypical female chores such as houscleaning or serving tea.

Some D/s relationships are sexual, others completely chaste. Fantasy role play can also be a part, with partners taking classic dominant/submissive roles such as teacher/student, police officer/suspect or parent/child. Animal Play , where one partner takes the role of owner/caretaker and the other takes the part of a pet or animal, can also be D/s play.

Consent and contracts

Note that Non-consensual D/s is considered abuse and not accepted by the BDSM community.

Main articles: Consent (BDSM) and legal consent which discusses when consent can be a defence to criminal liability for any injuries caused and that, for these purposes, non-physical injuries are included in the definition of grievous bodily harm .

Consent is a vital element in all psychological play, and consent can be granted in many ways. Some employ a written form known as a "Dungeon negotiation form", for others a simple verbal commitment is sufficient. Consent can be limited both in duration and content.

Consensual non-consensuality is a mutual agreement to be able to act as if consent has been waived within safe, sane limits. In essence it is an agreement that subject to a safe word or other restrictions, and reasonable care and commonsense, consent (within defined limits) will be given in advance and with the intent of being irrevocable under normal circumstances, at times without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned. As such, it is a show of extreme trust and understanding and usually undertaken only by partners who know each other well, or otherwise agree to set clear safe limits on their activities.

It's not unusual to grant consent only for an hour or for an evening. When a scene lasts for more than a few hours, it's common to draft a "scene contract" that defines what will happen and who is responsible for what. It's a good way to work out what all the parties want, and usually improves the experience. Some "contracts" can become quite detailed and run for many pages, especially if a scene is to last a weekend or more.

For long term consent, a "Slave contract" is often used. It is important to remember that BDSM "contracts" are only an agreement between consenting people and are usually not legally binding; in fact, the possession of one may be considered illegal in some areas. Slave contracts are simply a way of defining the nature and limits of the relationship and are not intended to carry legal force.

After a slave contract is drafted, some celebrate the event with a "collaring ceremony", in which the local D/s community is invited to witness the commitment made in the document. Some ceremonies become quite elaborate, and can be as involved as a wedding or any similar ritual.

Relationships

In some D/s relationships a partner only submits occasionally and with definite short-term goals, perhaps for an evening or the duration of a party.

In other relationships, there may be an ongoing (not scene- or play-specific) power exchange between or among partners in a committed relationship, often involving love and servitude and enacted in ways throughout the relationship. Some D/s relationships may be compared to the idealized marriages portrayed in older television programs, in which one partner is domestic and service-oriented and the other partner is the provider, protector, and household authority. BDSM may otherwise be deliberately and consciously incorporated into the relationship, or it may focus wholly on power exchange.

Some people may opt for the Master or Mistress/slave model, in which consent is negotiated once for a long period and the consent given is generally broader. Slave contracts may be used. Where the contract is in effect continuously, the relationship is referred to as " 24/7 ". The limits of the slave contract can vary widely and extend into other areas of BDSM. Some people opt to be purely "sex slaves", while others who prefer domestic service identify as "service slaves". Some slaves allow their Masters or Mistresses complete latitude as to the demands that can be placed on them. Such a relationship is known as Total Power Exchange or TPE.

People usually only enter into a Master/slave contract after they have known and played with each other for some time, often several years. It can be one of the most difficult relationships in the BDSM world to maintain, and requires special skills and experience.

Equipment and accessories

Some people maintain a special room or area, called a Dungeon , which contains special equipment ( shackles , handcuffs , whips , queening stools and spanking benches or a Berkley Horse , for example) used for play scenes, or they may visit a BDSM club that maintains such facilities.

Collars

Many submissives and slaves wear a " collar " to denote their status and commitment. It can be much like a wedding band, except that only the submissive partner wears one. The traditional collar is a neck band in leather or metal, chosen, designed or even crafted by the Dominant partner. Some subs wear a "symbolic collar", often a bracelet or ankle chain, which is more subdued than the traditional collar and can pass in vanilla (non-BDSM) situations. It is not uncommon for a sub to have several collars for special occasions.

There was once a tradition that wearing a collar with an open padlock indicated that one was seeking a partner, a closed lock indicated that one was in a relationship. This symbolism became less common after 1995 or so.

Many people, for example some of those in the punk rock and goth subcultures , wear collars for other reasons such as fashion, so one cannot assume that all people wearing collars are involved in BDSM. Members of the furry fandom may also wear collars as a part of costuming or as a fashion. Use of collars in the sexual aspects of furry lifestyle may or may not be connected to BDSM depending on the individual's preferences.

Safety

There are some risks commonly associated with D/s. Because it is mostly a mental activity, many of the risks associated with D/s involve mental health. Others involve abuses of the trust inherent in a D/s relationship. Some examples are:

• "Top's disease," or the tendency for some Dom/mes to grow into a sense of infallibility or omnipotence
• Physically or mentally abusive Dom/mes
• Self-hating subs
• Dom/mes who violate the trust relationship by attempting to isolate the sub from society or monetarily exploit the sub
• Unstable dom/mes or subs who, through act or threat of calling public attention to the other's private life and their relationship, can cause financial or personal hardship (see Outing )
• Emotionally unstable or manipulative subs or dom/mes seeking more from the relationship than the other, as a human being, can give. This can include so-called mind games, emotional vampirism and any other forms of emotional manipulation or abuse present in any other relationship. The extra factor is that D/s relationships are already predicated upon a delicate shift of power, and so rely more than usual on participants being able to handle that well.

Local and regional BDSM organizations typically provide community-based counseling and assistance to Dom/mes or subs who are in a troubled relationship.

History

Dominance and submission actually predate Homo sapiens , and in fact it could be supposed that shortly after the second species of life evolved, one began to dominate the other.

But our concern here is D/s of an erotic nature, which can be hard to document especially in cultures where one gender or another is presumed dominant. It can be hard to tell if one submits because it is pleasurable or for more practical reasons, such as food and shelter.

Still there are many writings from the ancient age through the modern that would clearly indicate a willingness to submit for purely romantic reasons.

Geoffrey Chaucer (1342 - 1400) describes in his work " The Canterbury Tales " a clearly D/s relationship with a female dominant in "The Wife of Bath's Tale".

Another medieval example is the literary convention of courtly love , an ideal which usually required a knight to serve his courtly lady (in "love service") with the same obedience and loyalty which he owed to his liege lord. This convention was submissive and sometimes fetishistic, with the knight performing acts of cross-dressing and self-flagellation. However, the relationship between the literary conventions and actual practices is unknown.

There are also accounts of prostitutes in most major cities that catered to male submissives, as well as masochists . In a male dominated world it was all too easy for a submissive woman to find a strict male dominant, but some women still found ways to leave husbands who were "too soft".

One of the most famous works in this area is Leopold von Sacher-Masoch 's Venus im Pelz ( Venus in Furs , 1869), in which the protagonist Severin persuades a woman, Wanda, to take him on as her slave, serves her and allows her to degrade him. The book has elements of both social and physical submission, and is the genesis of the term masochism coined by the 19th century psychiatrist Krafft-Ebing .

The Rolling Stones song "Under my Thumb" (M. Jagger, 1966) is supposedly about a D/s relationship.

Myths

Common myths about D/s:

• Dominants are naturally cruel people.
• Submissives are naturally weak-willed "doormats."
• Submissives are attempting to re-live childhood abuse.
• Women who are into D/s are nymphomaniacs, or indiscriminate sex partners.
• D/s is usually a case of "role-reversal" with people who have much power and responsibility in real life often preferring a submissive role.

There is little or no factual evidence to support any of these concepts; submissives and Dominants come from a broad spectrum of society and most people into BDSM are very selective about who they play with. Considering the risks, this is not surprising. The idea that submissive women are sexually indiscriminate likely stems from pornographic fiction and the appeal of an insatiable partner who will do anything one commands. In real life this is rarely the case.

There is no evidence that people into D/s or BDSM have any greater history of childhood abuse than the general populace.

The "role-reversal" myth likely stems from studies done in the 1950 's which found that most of the clients in houses of domination were wealthy, powerful men. This is probably more due to the high fees charged in such houses (often $200-$5,000 a session) than a dearth of impoverished submissives. There are many poor submissives and wealthy Dominants.

Some linguistic conventions

It is popular, but by no means mandatory for persons in the D/s world to capitalize words and names that refer to Dominants, and not to capitalize those that refer to submissives, hence the capitalization of D/s.

This convention began on internet chatrooms, to make it easier to identify the orientation of the writer or the person being written about.

It is also popular for slaves and submissives to eschew personal pronouns, instead referring to themselves as "this slave" or "Master Bob's girl". This is seen as an attempt at modesty. It is entirely optional, and many consider it an affectation. It may have roots in the military , where new soldiers are required to refer to themselves as "this recruit" rather than "I" or "me".

Erotic humiliation is the consensual use of psychological humiliation in a sexual context, whereby one person gains arousal or erotic excitement from the mixed and powerful emotions of being humiliated and demeaned. The humiliation need not be sexual in itself, as with many other sexual activities it is the feelings derived from it which are sought, regardless of the nature of the actual activity. It can be verbal or physical, and can be relatively private or public. Often it can become ritualized , and unlike some sexual variations it can also be easily carried out over a long distance or online . The distinction between humiliation and dominance in an activity such as erotic spanking is that the sought after effect is primarily the humiliation, the activity is just a means to that end.

Whilst mild or moderate humiliation is not an uncommon part of BDSM or other sexual roleplay , humiliation play can be taken to a point where it becomes considered edgeplay by most people, either due to its extreme nature or due to the controversial views on its psychological impact. This is a highly subjective issue, and depends greatly on context.

Terminology and overview

The person being humiliated is often called a bottom , and the person who humiliates them is often called the top . Other common names are slave or sub/submissive for the bottom, and Master / Mistress or dom/dominant for the top. A professional dominant who specializes in humiliation play is sometimes known as a humiliatrix .

Humiliation is not the same as domination as the devotee is not necessarily seeking to be ordered about. Humiliation comes into its own as a sexual force when the devotee seeks the humiliation over and above the means, for example when being spanked is primarily valued because of the belittlement involved. As such, it encompasses a range of paraphilia , in particular foot fetish or shoe fetish , body worship , spanking , bondage and most BDSM styles. It can be as basic as the desire to kiss and massage feet as a precursor to sex, or it can be complex, involving roleplay or public displays of subservience. It can also be for a set period of time (a " scene ") or as an ongoing facet of a relationship.

Means of humiliation

Sexual humiliation is very open ended. Broadly it can be divided into verbal, and physical aspects. Verbal aspects might include:

• Verbal belittlement, such as "slave", "boy", "girl", "missy", "pet".
• Insults and verbal abuse, such as "fat", "ugly", "stupid", "worthless".
• Degrading references such as "slut", "tart", "bitch", "faggot" and "whore".
• Slighting of body parts or behaviors, such as disparaging or cruel references to breasts, facial appearance, genitalia or genital size, bottom, and slighting of mannerisms such as walking, responsiveness, standard of self-care.
• Having to ask permission for everyday activities such as toilet, or eating or spending money.
• Small penis humiliation, where scorn is addressed towards the supposed inadequacy of the male's genitals or his inability to please a woman (and by implication his essential worthlessness as a man and his penis becomes an object of play for the woman).
• Forced repetition, such as being obliged to repeat back commands to confirm them.
• Mockery and ridicule .

Physical and tangible aspects might include:

• Ejaculating , defecating, spitting, slapping or urinating on the bottom's body or, especially, the face.
• Performance of menial tasks or abusive workload such as cleaning the floors with a toothbrush.
• Detailed accountability and control ( micro-management ) as to time spent or activities done, including list of jobs to do, precise directions as to how the housework is to be performed, exactly how to act and behave, and so on.
• Specific rituals and affectations to be adopted. This includes displays of subservience, such as lighting cigarettes, walking a pace behind the dominant, only speaking when spoken to, kneeling or eating after others, low status place to sleep, kissing the dominant's feet or licking his or her boots, etc.
• Roleplaying "lower status" beings such as animals (for example dog or horse) or babies (see human animal roleplay and adult baby play).
• Spanking, whipping, restraint or other BDSM activities such as cock and ball torture (CBT).
• Prohibitions or restrictions on clothing, or (for men) feminizing , cross dressing and/or sissification .
• Use of chastity belts or other means of erotic sexual denial .
• Wearing of external signs of "ownership" such as a collar.
• Having friends, family or strangers aware of or witnessing one's treatment (i.e.: public humiliation ).
• Erotic objectification , where the bottom is cast in the role of an object, such as a footstool.
• Embarrassment .
• Forced Homosexuality

Some sexual humiliation involves inflicting pain but much of it is far more concerned with ridicule, mocking, degradation and embarrassment.

Sexual roleplaying may or may not involve humiliation. For example, one person might play the part of a dog because they enjoy being mock-forced into it and the top will emphasize the lowness of the bottom's status as an animal, whereas another person might play the role of the dog without any element of humiliation, simply as an expression of their inner animal or playful spirit.

Psychology of humiliation

Humiliation in general touches strong emotional buttons, the more so when it becomes sexualized. Because of this, consent and paradoxically a high degree of awareness and communication is needed, to ensure that the result is desirable rather than abusive. For example, a submissive may enjoy being insulted in some ways, but genuinely crushed and devastated if humiliated or insulted in other ways.

Humiliation play is also connected to sexual fetishism , in that non-sexual activities may become sexualized by association with arousal, and also may be associated with exhibitionism in the sense of wanting others to witness (or being aroused by others witnessing) ones sexual degradation.

For some people, activities such as name-calling are a way of achieving ego reduction or getting over sexual inhibitions . For example, between gay people, terms usually associated with homophobia may be used, such as "faggot".

As with all sexual activities, some people have sexual fantasies about humiliation, and others actually undertake it as a lifestyle or in a scene . Sexual fantasies of humiliation are very common, but for most people remain a fantasy - they would have strong reservations about it being public, or engaged in with a partner for real, however erotic the idea may be. Others do explore humiliation with partners, and many people use online humiliation (where the humiliator and others are involved via the internet using chat, email, websites, etc.) as a compromise between exhibitionism and reality on the one hand, and safety and anonymity on the other.

Online humiliation

Online humiliation is the desire to be seen in a sexually embarrassing context via the internet. This is generally considered "safe", as the fetishist can control the time and degree of exposure. However, some adherents have overestimated the net's privacy and found themselves in compromising difficulty, in a rather ironic outcome that fulfills the wish for humiliation far more than originally intended.

Online humiliation allows the submissive to seek fetish partners across the world, to send them embarrassing pictures or to submit to their demeaning instructions without it directly affecting their home life (hopefully).

The process can be conducted via chat and webcam, or via email, or via dating and contact websites or even via online auctions where the person publicly bids for items that reveal their fetishes.

Humiliatrix is a form of female dominant (see dominatrix ) who humiliates the submissive partner. Humiliation play can include teasing, verbal degradation, orgasm denial, blackmail, monetary tributes, and public humiliation.

The term is a portmanteau that combines "humiliation" and "dominatrix".

The concept of the 'humiliation' fantasy is often directly tied into a BDSM fantasy. Foot fetishism is often brought into a humiliation fantasy. Some men in sado-masochistic relationships enjoy being publicly humiliated by being forced to tie the woman's shoes in public, lick dirt off of the shoes, or even remove the shoes and lick, kiss or smell the feet or boots in public. Such practices border on criminal conduct in less libertarian societies, thus they are normally carried on in outdoor locations, like pedestrian malls, as opposed to indoor locations.

Humiliation BDSM is also conducted through forced oral sex, or face-sitting where the woman sits on the partner's face and forces him or her to perform cunnilingus or anilingus upon her. Cuckolding is also a common practice within humiliation BDSM. The woman may take on a lover and force the weaker 'submissive' husband to watch. While most cuckolding fantasies are mutually agreed upon, there are situations where spouses will use such tactics for revenge or simply to humiliate their spouse.

Orgasm denial and chastity are other forms of control used for humiliation purposes.

Erotic sexual denial , also known as orgasm denial , is a sexual practice and a form of power exchange where a person is kept in the plateau phase of the human sexual response cycle for an extended length of time. This is often, but not always, done as part of BDSM , and can be thought of as a more dominant version of Orgasm control . Depending on the nature of the game, they may either be allowed an orgasm at the end (in which case, the orgasm is generally much stronger than normal), or deliberately denied one, in which case they will generally feel strong feelings of sexual frustration .

An alternative form of orgasm denial is the denial of genital stimulation, either for an extended period or separate from a scene . Lack of stimulation is ensured by using a chastity belt or other device that physically prevents touch and/or (for males) erection .

Forced homosexuality is a paraphilia and activity related to Femdom . In practice, it includes any activities in which the dominant female "forces" the submissive, heterosexual male or female to engage in homosexual acts for her amusement, sexual arousal and/or (in the case of male submissives) as part of feminization .

In the case of female submissives, often the acts are carried out with a third female, who may be dominant, neutral, or a fellow submissive.

Despite the performance, these acts are in fact consensual. They can occur either as part of a general, consensual submission to the dominant female (in other words, an agreement that does not specify about forced homosexuality), or after being communicated as a specific desire to the dominant female by the submissive. This is especially true of instances where a professional dominatrix is paid for the acts, seeing as the activities or "boundaries" of the session are typically agreed upon or implicit/advertised beforehand, and the submissive is free to leave at any time.

Many are quick to point out that the submissive males or females engaged in these practices are probably not heterosexual to begin with, and may even be using the activities as a way to explore or act out hidden bisexual tendencies or curiosity. Indeed, many of the submissives openly (or candidly) admit that they are in fact bi-curious or bisexual . Some are also openly bisexual in their lives, but enjoy the domination and role-playing of being "forced."

However, many submissives and people in the Femdom and BDSM communities in general insist that the primary turn-on for the male submissive in these cases is the control that the dominant female exerts over him, his body and his "manhood" or masculinity - in other words, the humiliation and forced- feminization aspects of the acts. Similarly, the primary turn-on for the female submissives is the control the domme exerts over her body, mind, sexuality, and boundaries.

Therefore, some of the males and females who fantasize about these scenarios or who engage in these activities may indeed be heterosexual . This is especially true initially, or when introduced by surprise in a dominant/submissive sexual relationship. It may be referred to by the dominant female as "breaking him in" or "breaking her in" or "breaking his manhood."

Forced homosexuality should not be confused with acts/fantasies involving "forced" sex between two homosexual or bisexual people. The focus of this article is when the submissive is, or pretends to be, heterosexual.

Forced homosexuality is also a common part of cuckold activities. This usually takes the form of the submissive male, or "cuckold," being "forced" to perform oral sex on the dominant female (who is typically his wife or girlfriend) after another male has deposited his semen in her vagina, or the cuckold being "forced" to perform oral sex on the other male.

Pegging describes a sexual practice by which a man is anally penetrated by a woman wearing a strap-on dildo or using a butt plug .

The origin of the neologism was a winning entry in a June 21, 2001, contest in Dan Savage 's Savage Love sex advice column. In the column, it was a specifically heterosexual term; the competition was held after an observation was made that there was no common name for the practice of females penetrating heterosexual men with a dildo. Because the term is quite new, many people use different terms for "pegging", such as "bend over boyfriend" (commonly shortened to BOB ) from the popular video series of the same title.

A strap-on dildo (also strap-on , dildo harness ) is a dildo designed to be worn (usually in a harness ) by one partner and used to penetrate another partner vaginally , anally or orally , used by both heterosexual and homosexual couples.

For a woman, a strap-on can be used to anally penetrate a man ( pegging ), or used vaginally, anally, or orally for lesbian intercourse.

For a man, a strap-on can be worn for penetrative sex, and may be used in cases of erectile dysfunction , for double penetration , or to penetrate multiple partners. A wide variety of harnesses and dildos are available, with different ways of fitting the wearer, attaching the dildos, stimulating the wearer or the receiver, and all with different features, advantages, and drawbacks for both users.